Confessions at the Board Retreat

I wanted to tell him, "You know, I don't usually cry so much at school." But then, who am I kidding? I cry pretty regularly, if anyone was paying attention. At the farewell luncheon at Live Oak, when I could not get the words out as to how much leaving that school was going to impact me. When Lucas' parents informed us they were pulling him from our program, with only weeks to go before the end of the school year. At moments of desperation, when I felt cornered and exasperated by a lack of support from my boss. And these are only the big tears - the smalls ones are like minor earthquakes: they happen frequently, we just don't feel them as much as we go about our day.

Still, today we were asked to conjure up an image or memory that made San Francisco School feel special to us. It was my first impulsive thought, and immediately I could feel my eyes filling with unwanted water, No, I decide, I won't share this one...I clearly haven't processed it in a healthy way if it makes me feel so emotional. So I switched it, on a dime, and told instead another recollection that was equally touching but more palatable to strangers, or even to those who know me a little. But then, when we were asked to move from our seats and share out with someone else... There he was, asking if I wanted to share with him. And I just spit it out: "Wow. Ok. Well, it was the first thing that came to my mind, and I'm going to cry a little when I tell it, but I'll tell you anyway." And quickly I unwrapped the moment, of watching the election results coming in online, of the graphics of the New York Times starting suddenly to flipflop as the unthinkable was laid out before me - evidence of a projected and decent early lead began to take a compete nose dive. I felt socked in the stomach and thought, what do we do now? How do we survive this? And, then - what will Steve say? I clicked on to my school emails, and finally, there it was...his words, his guidance. No answers, no explanations, just, "Come in tomorrow morning and let's find a safe place to share our emotions." That was a rare moment, when I knew SFS was not like anywhere else. I struggle with all its imperfections on a daily basis, but in moments like this I recognize what makes it so very unique as well. They are what make my eyes fill with tears when I think about saying goodbye to it all, someday. One day but not yet.